Pixel Oliver 🍓 @pixouls@post.lurk.org

through my journals, both the ones in obsidian and my voice memos, i hear myself experiencing joy, experiencing anger, experiencing sadness—going on about journeys that are very real in the present. I say I want to do better for my younger self, but do I really remember my younger self? Do I remember the person I'm fighting for? I'm used to dissociating with my body or even past memories. Through my journals I've been facing the music a bit more and thinking about what it means to reconcile from the harm that made me feel I could not be fully me. I needed this. I'm glad I did this.

I was slow this summer, whether or not it seemed this way to anyone else. This was the perk of having an internship project where I was good enough at what I needed to do that I could keep myself busy doing other things. I took a lot of time this summer to process, write, and reflect consistently—more than I've ever done in my life before. I made time for people, for healing, and for appreciating the world around me. I could have been working other jobs this summer and cashing that in but I'm tired of hustling and feeling so overwhelmed that I don't even have time to process what skills I'm learning from the work I do. I feel a lot less intimidated about whether or not I'm capable of journaling or making that space for myself. I have a better sense of what comes naturally to me and start to get some leads on what I could work on. Sometimes I would spend only 20 minutes on my journals for the day, sometimes I would spend hours pulling references or adding things bit by bit through the day. I have a better sense of where my boundaries are when it comes to different topics, from gender to philosophy.

I felt better when I had a chance to give myself the space to talk about anything, even for awhile. I got frustrated with sleep and followed that line of thought for awhile and journaled about it and tried to figure out practices until I felt more in control about things. Giving myself an outlet to talk about frustrating things, whether it's to myself or to a friend helps break the echo chamber within my head. Especially when it's down on a document and I'm able to [[backlink]] to other experiences were I can say, "yeah, i've felt this way before, I wonder what's behind this?" This also applied to things I'm learning about. Just the extra bit to let myself ponder on a new idea could be really interestingly useful later on—of course I also had to accept I couldn't just document everything.

putting some more words to this:
I followed a main framework:
- Gains, what did I accomplish
- Goals, what do I want to do tomorrow
- Glows, what went well, positives, appreciations
- Grows, what could be improved & what do I want to keep learning about

In the future, I'm thinking about adding:
- Grind, what did I do for work
- Gala, who did I interact with

I stuck an outlet on goals and grows with [[Ideas]], things to do tangibly that I feel inspired to do or things that I wonder are possible. I also added one called [[Return]], come back to this later. This might include concepts that I think are important I learn more about again or personal introspections/things I want to hold space for and maybe do some free writes/voice journals about to give myself that space.

https://www.boyscouttrail.com/content/song/aint_that_funky_now-1588.asp

@montagsoup @avalon

so they weren't chicken of the woods, much more likely to be berkeley's polypore. a quick search says they were edible. i didn't see them when i passed by today, granted i didn't walk up to them. i hope they ate them and didn't just knock them over or something

On second thought that's fine